You are a baffling mystery.
I had never before heard this. It was said by the pastor with whom I was on the phone in a counseling session, and I found it to be both incredibly simple and profound. It gave me solace. Living with borderline personality disorder (BPD) and complex post-traumatic stress disorder (complex PTSD), I’ve spent the past few decades trying to understand the void within and figure out who I am beyond my memory loss, confusion, depression and anxiety.
After my phone call with the pastor, I wasn’t any closer to figuring out who I am, but it was comforting to hear that maybe I don’t need to. Maybe I never did.
In response to my frustration over feeling like there is something wrong with me deep inside—in my subconscious, beyond my control—that is preventing me from healing and being who I want to be, he told me that I was an unknowable mystery. I explained to the pastor that I felt I needed to find a way to access it, perhaps by partaking in a potent transformative experience like taking ayahuasca.
He listened, and his matter-of-fact response was that it’s okay when something remains a mystery despite our best efforts to solve it. He continued by assuring me that, despite the fact that I might still not fully understand who I am, I could still go on with my life and discover purpose and joy.
